Disclaimer: if you read this and feel the need to provide some uplifting words of encouragement or become worried about me- please do not feel that way as, if you do, you are likely not the intended audience for this post- this is simply meant to be an honest portrayal of a brief series of thoughts of mine and what I think a lot of us can find ourselves thinking from time to time, but don't say aloud
There are a lot of posts today about Jesus dying for our sins and that people feel grateful for it. I know these are sincere and I'm so glad that people feel this way but I have a confession to make: they do nothing for me. I look at them and read the words that I've heard over and over and it's like a spiritual platitude. Just a bunch of words that don't mean anything that have been overused. Ok, Jesus died today. Maybe I should feel something. But I don't. I should feel grateful that Jesus took away my sins so that now I can be free. But free from what and what did I do? I just don't feel it. Maybe there's something wrong with me. So I feel guilty or wrong in doubtful instead. I ponder that while I make my coffee, spill it all over the place, make a giant mess of my kitchen, get pissed, swear a lot, make my fiance uncomfortable, think about how this must mean that I'm an angry person. Then I think, "maybe I'm too angry to get married. Maybe I'll make my fiance's life hell." Then I remember the paper that I needed to start earlier that I didn't start and now I'm going to inconvenience people because I was irresponsible which gets me more upset so I swear some more and storm into the other room, making said fiance feel crappier about something that isn't his fault. Then I feel hopeless and feel like I ruin everything I touch and that I can't stop ruining things because I'm too insecure and mad now and so everything is doomed to fall into a cycle of destruction that I can't fix. I think about how I'm too overwhelmed by the mistakes I keep making continually in life and all the ones I will make in the future, my sins, and insecurities and try to find solutions. There aren't any. The best one is just for everything to stop- if I stop doing anything that would cause any problem, just stop interacting with people or doing any activity whatsoever then I'd be doing less damage. But then I'd be miserable and alone. So the only way to proceed is to stop life all together. But I'm not in a space to commit suicide, besides, then I'd just make people close to me feel like crap again, I don't want them to have to deal with that and I'd be back to the issue that I started with, that "no matter what I do, I mess things up," even in my attempts to stop doing things- there must be some solution- something better than this. But it seems like there is nothing in my power that I can do to remedy or prevent my mistakes or feel free from them. And so we find ourselves at the beginning, and simultaneously the exit, of this vicious cirlce. Jesus died to forgive and free me from the things I can't- in some great and mysterious way that I can't always fully comprehend and connect but that I feel and can undoubtedly know in the depths of my hopelessness and then, in the release of the broken hopelessness that threatens to flood my being.
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